Kitchen Fail (unless the goal was to bake a cake that looks like a pile of shit)

Dear Williams Sonoma,

 I think it is totally unaceptable for you to send me a catalog with a picture of this and imply that I can recreate it at home.

You need to add a disclaimer that novice bakers and otherwise failures in the kitchen need to avoid such projects that will leave them with four totally shitty looking chocolate cakes that do not even remotely resemble an Oreo cookie. Please refrain from luring me into your store with pretty pictures of beautiful feasts.

Sincerely,
Me

You Can Now Cut Me With a Rusty Knife

Sorry for my absence. I was recovering from Bronchitis and the weirdest ailment yet, a bad reaction to a Tetanus shot. I went to the doctor on Friday after Operation Pho did not work in evicting Mr. Mucus from my chest cavity. The friendly nurse persuaded me to get a Tetanus shot since I was approximately 26 years overdue for one. I resisted, after all, you can get a Tetanus shot when you really need it: at the emergency room. However, she dazzled me with talk of "the new Tetanus shot" that also protects against Whooping Cough and bad hair days. So I caved. Cut to Saturday morning when I wake up and can't move my arm. For the next couple days my arm was a heavy log hanging from my shoulder, unable to operate. I also had a fever and a bad case of the whinies (sorry Dan). By Monday I could move my arm but it still hurt. Today I still have some swelling but it feels much better. The moral of this story is: don't let the nurse or the doctor up sell you. They are a business too but they benefit from the advantage of scaring you with threats to your health. If you go in for Bronchitis, don't leave with a Tetanus shot. Lesson learned.

I wasn't looking for a tenant

Somebody has moved in. He's big, smelly, green and disgusting. It's this guy:

He moved into my chest cavity last night and is currently flipping channels with his feet up. I took some Mucinex this morning in an eviction attempt but he's a stubborn tenant and so far is refusing to vacate. I think operation Pho might do the trick. I'll let you know.

2 birthdays + 1 holiday = busy weekend

Happy 30th birthdays Amy and Kristi! Two of my favorite people turned 30 this weekend, Kristi on Halloween and Amy the day after. I hope you guys had a great weekend and lots of fun at your parties.

Amy is the blonde one. Check out the adorable dress, so appropriate no? Love it.

Picture courtesy of my FB photo-robbing skills.

Here's the recently engaged Kristi before she went to the dark side. Relax, I'm talking about her hair, it's black now.

I love you both and can't wait for what the future has in store for all of us. Weddings, houses, maybe babies? We'll see...

Skinny? Not So Much

I thought I would get away with not posting anything about the skinny jeans I bought on Friday. But Amber, you are an observant one, so here's the post.

After a few years of contemplating and procrastinating, I finally broke down and bought a pair of skinny jeans. I realize skinny jeans are no novelty and nothing new but it took me a long time to catch up to this trend. Let's not get carried away and think I'm actually going to post a picture of myself in the jeans, that would be silly. Instead I'll show you this (picture them minus the rolled bottom):

and this:



and tell you I wore them together with a simple black top. Satisfied?

U2 at BC Place: A for Effort

On Wednesday we went to Vancouver with the Dunns to drink in milliliters, drive in kilometers, pay in loonies and toonies, get stuck in horrendous Canadian traffic for no reason at all and, oh, right, to see U2 live at BC Place. We had dinner reservations at Brix but sadly did not make it because the guy in charge of deciding which lanes to open in the George Massey tunnel was drunk and high and clearly not doing his job. Side note - Dan and his parents were in a horrible car accident in said Massey tunnel. A drunk, high, stupid, moron gang banger was going many many kilometers per hour and rear ended Dan's parent's car. His little gangbangermobile flipped and started bouncing back and forth across the tunnel, repeatedly hitting each wall. He was sliding so fast Dan's dad had to hit the brakes to avoid hitting him. It was awful, this idiot and his gang banger girlfriend bloodied and hanging upside down by their seat belts in the dark tunnel. Scary. We generally don't like the George Massey tunnel and the scary things that happen there so it was really unfortunate that commuting Canadians and concert going Americans had to sit for over two hours to get through the tunnel which was closed down to one lane. Ugh.
After much hand wringing we finally got into town, checked into our hotel, had a few drinks and ate dinner. By the time we made it into BC Place I was ready to dance, sing and, of course, march around to "Sunday Bloody Sunday". Alas, it was not to be. Although U2 put amazing energy into the performance I came away from the concert with a bit of complacency and disappointment. The stage, albeit elaborate and expensive, was overdone. There was a giant screen in the middle that was pretty cool but it made me feel like I was watching a music video. Instead of watching the actual band members, I kept catching myself watching the screen. No offense guys but I didn't drive all that way to watch a video, you know? Also, they played way way way too much new stuff. Let's get real here for a minute. How much new U2 have you heard? What's that? Hardly any? Yeah, me too. Oh yeah and the rest of the people at the concert too. You could immediately feel the energy drain from the venue as soon as they started to play a new song that nobody knew. I wish they had played more hits and kept us on our feet and dancing.

I'm not negative Nancy; I do have to give big kudos to all 4 band members. They are what, about 50 now? Their enthusiasm and charisma was incredible. They kept the political messages to a bearable amount and did not waver in their energy. I appreciate the fact that they've been playing together for years and still manage to keep their show fresh and look like they enjoy each other's company. Well done gentlemen.

Here's a picture of the stage that I stole off of Google Images, it was pretty intense, with moving bridges and lots of lights. I would recommend you go see them at Qwest Field in June if you get the chance but you should definitely hit up iTunes first and catch up on the new stuff, you'll need it.

By The Way

I found this coat at FCUK in Vancouver and I did not buy it. It fit like a dream, a dream.



Do with this info what you will.

Just Checking In

We are back from the mid-week Canadian U2 excursion. Isaac Brock says, "Opinions were like kittens, I was givin' em away." That's how I feel about the show. I have many opinions and you'll hear them all, but not today. I'm just posting real quick like to let you know that two of my bfs turn 30 this weekend so I am busy busy. PS - bfs stands for best friends not boyfriends. My two boyfriends don't turn 30 for a few more years. Kidding. I'll be back on Sunday with a concert review, tips on how to not lose your shit during Canadian rush hour traffic, pics from Amy and Kristi's big days and a peek at my first foray into skinny jeans (maybe). Until then I hope you have a fab Halloween weekend.

Apostrophiasco

Hey people please read and heed: the apostrophe does not pluralize.

If you caption a photo with a family name, say, the Smiths, you don't need an apostrophe. The apostrophe denotes possession so you would only use it if you were talking about something that belongs to the Smiths.

Correct:

I heard about Judy Smith's new Mercedes. It cost more than my condo.

Incorrect:

Let's invite the Smith's over for a barbecue. Sam loves my deviled eggs.

WRONG! So very wrong.

Please, no more pictures captioned, "The Hoover's" or, "The Reagan's". Please!

A note to my coworker, the plural of box is boxes, not box's. The plural of shelf is shelves, not shelf's. Got it?

The Amazing Chicken

Do you watch The Amazing Race? If you don't, catch up on what happened last night here. Basically this girl Mika and her bf Canaan were eliminated from the race because she got the scareds and wouldn't go down a big water slide. To her credit, I remember a water slide like that at the Big Splash water park in Tulsa called The Silver Bullet. Granted, I was just a little thing back then, but it looked huge and menacing and I would absolutely not even remotely consider thinking about considering going down it. I discussed this at length with Dan last night and we concluded that we would both go down the slide, skydive and/or bungee jump for a chance at a million dollars. He said he would definitely eat nasty things. I'm still on the fence with that one.

So, here's what I'm thinking about today as my inbox fills up and I avoid work: what fear would cripple me so badly that I would give up a chance at a mil? It's a tough question because you don't really know for sure what you will and won't do until you're actually there. Until the fall of 2002 I didn't think I would ever jump out of an airplane; and I've done it twice now so hooray for me. The thought of bungee jumping scares the bejeezers out of me but I think if I absolutely had to, I would do it.

So what would you just not do? What makes you put your foot down and say, "oh hells no"?

Idle hands

I love to waste time. It's one of my favorite things to do. Is the sink full of dirty dishes? Yeah, but I'd rather play Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook. Does the dog need to pee? Sure, but I want to see what Kandi's mom says at the engagement party (don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about). Is the bathroom so dirty that there are mysterious life forms growing that resemble alien communities on distant planets? You bet, but I'm busy playing Sheep Launcher on my phone. Do you procrastinate? I think you need to take a hard look at your life and stop getting so much done. You're really blowing through that to do list like a motivated A-type with OCD and a subscription to Martha Stewart Living. Sit down and click on these links. These are some of my favorite time-wasters.

Do you like to browse Etsy? If you do, check out Regretsy. In case you're in a hurry I've found the best items for you here and here.

Texts From Last Night makes me feel old and yearn for crazy nights out in college.

I don't yearn for bargain shopping when I visit People of Walmart. Looking at this site makes me crave a treadmill and a shower.

I think twice about my Facebook posts after reading what these people have to say.

According to Michael Stipe, everybody hurts. You'll know it's true when you read these stories.

Ok, is the dryer full of clothes and the oven timer beeping? Good.

What other sites eat up your time? Send me the link, the dog can walk her own damn self.

Green juice: it's so healthy you can stop washing your hands

Totally kidding about not washing your hands, please continue to wash them often.

Take a look at the goodness I'm about to put into my body:

Check out my new blender. I was holding out for a Vitamix but that's not in the budget right now so this pretty KitchenAid will do. I'm accepting name suggestions. So far I'm thinking Sylvia but I'm open.

I bought Sylvia specifically so I could make green juice every morning. Fall is here with sniffles, sneezing, runny noses and headaches. I need to fight back.

If you'd like to stay healthy try a daily serving of this smoothie. My version is modified from Dr. Oz's recipe that you can find here.

My green juice recipe:

2 handfuls spinach

1 handful Italian parsley

1 celery stalk

1/2 peeled cucumber

1 apple

1/2 navel orange

1/4 lime

1/4 lemon

1 sliver peeled ginger

4-5 frozen strawberries

1/4 - 1/2 cup water

You can thank mi madre Rosario for the tasty modifications that make this concoction easier to drink. The added orange makes it sweeter. The frozen strawberries are my own addition. The icy texture helps cover the frothy grit you get from using a blender instead of a juicer. You can juice all the ingredients but then you're missing the pulp which carries all the fiber. Choices, life is full of them. I think you should choose to try this recipe and make your own changes. Sometimes I don't add the celery. If I'm out of lemon or lime I just use a little more orange. There's really no wrong way to make this smoothie unless you substitute spinach for vanilla ice cream, switch out celery for chocolate sauce and omit all the other ingredients. In that case I'd say you're doing it all wrong.

If you follow directions well your drink should come out like this:

The recipe makes about 2 12oz servings. Dan gets to drink it too, he is so excited.

Try it out and tell me what you think.

Now go wash your hands, keyboards are filthy.

Yikes!

I knew it had been a long time since I posted, but I didn't realize that it's almost been two months. Oh my. That's just ridiculous.

I don't write consistently but I do read all your blogs daily. I would like to thank you all for being such dedicated bloggers. My lunch break would not be the same if you weren't so responsible and dedicated to posting beautiful pictures and insightful words. I just realized I'm sitting on the couch with Lola watching Monday Night Football. Dan isn't even here. That's how enthralled I am with your blogs; I don't even notice I'm watching football. Serious.

I also realized today that I've lost a follower. I used to have 7 but now there are only 6 of you. Ex follower, please come back. I'm sorry if I let you down.

We've been pretty busy lately but filling you in on everything at this point is futile.

I'll make an effort to keep this thing updated. For real this time.

Is this thing on?

Hello? Anybody out there? So nobody has an opinion of Saturn Return, huh? Ok, I get it, astrology isn't your thing, right? You didn't want to click on the link? You're busy? So what is it? Please don't tell me you've stopped reading my blog.

I'll post more, I will.

Life is kind of on a downswing right now. I think things go in waves, up and down and right now is a down time. Work is stressville. My boss treats me like a rodent and I can't seem to do anything right. I have no money, this is completely my own fault but irritating nonetheless. There is some other stuff but I won't go into the details, I'm sure you have better things to do than listen to me whine.

I keep reminding myself that things aren't that bad, to stop being such a pansy and buck up. What I really need to do is find myself a productive and enriching career. What do you suggest? Do you have any ideas for me? Do you just want to post a nice comment to cheer me up? I would like that.